We aren't heroes
by Guardian of Hope
Summary: In the end, they were the secret heroes, the secret survivors, and all they could do was turn to one another.  Slash, Ferretti/Kowalski, character death two-shot
1. Vigil

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate SG:1

A/N: This is based off watching the first episode of SG1. Consider it AU. It was inspired by the scene of Jack asking Kowalski if he was going to stay with Ferretti in the hospital all night and Kowalski saying he was. There was something in the look they shared, an understanding of sorts, I guess, and I wanted to create something of a back story for why Kowalski would be there. Introspection piece.

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><p>The first time they came back from Abydos, Kowalski and Ferretti weren't heroes, but there were people with the program who looked at them with awe and hero-worship. Everyone wanted to know about Abydos and the people there. Colonel O'Neill had it easy, he had the rank to scare people away and he wandered off into retirement, burying the secret of the Stargate with the hundreds of other black ops missions he'd been a part of in his career. It wasn't that easy for Kowalski, or Ferretti. They both had time in left on their tours, and given the classified nature of their work, they were kept at the Mountain.<p>

The first time they met up, in the aftermath, it was just drinks, beer for them, whisky shots for the fallen of Abydos. The bar was quiet and low key, the sort of place that locals adore and nobody else ever heard of, and if they said a few things they shouldn't, they talked about the desert enough that people assumed they had been in the Middle East. By the time the night ended, sharing a cab to Kowalski's apartment was a foregone conclusion seeing as Ferretti had moved, again, and couldn't remember his new address.

The morning after, they both swore they'd never tell anyone about waking up in the same bed, sans clothing.

The next time it happened was after another officer questioned them about the Abydos mission, three months after they'd gotten back, and just when people were starting to forget that either of them had ever left the planet. Memories pushed back to the surface revealed grief they'd both struggled to bury, and unthinking, they returned to the local bar for another night of _not thinking about it_ and another morning of _it will never happen._

General Hammond's arrival, sent with the intent of shutting down the Stargate six months later led them to accepting the inevitable, but, as Ferretti said before they walked into the bar; "Why mess with tradition?"

By the end of the seventh month, Kowalski had a temporary roommate. Rumors were going through Cheyenne Mountain that Ferretti was getting shipped out 'soon', and it was easier for him to move than to sign a lease he'd have to break.

When they went back to Abydos, nobody mentioned that the 'temporary' part of temporary roommate had been left by the wayside.

And when Kowalski told the Colonel he was staying with Ferretti at the infirmary on base, the Colonel _understood._ Ferretti would laugh at him, again, but Kowalski knew there was someone in the Colonel's past that the man had stood in unacknowledged vigil over, and from the looks he'd seen Dr Jackson and the Colonel shoot at each other when the other wasn't looking, that was the kind of story he wanted to hear one day.


	2. Quit

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate SG:1

A/N: Based (sort of) off the second episode and a random thought, how far would you go to escape your grief? Another city? Another state? Another country or continent? For Ferretti, it was another galaxy.

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><p>Ferretti never went back to his apartment. After it happened, Colonel O'Neill had brought him back to his house, and the rest of SG-2 had packed up the first place Ferretti had ever called home. He stayed at the Colonel's until his reassignment to Area 51 occurred, but no one mentioned it. People went quiet when they saw him, and nobody said Kowalski's name. As so often happened in these unacknowledged relationships, Kowalski would fade from memory, Ferretti would transfer, and no one would ever mention what might have been.<p>

Ferretti probably wouldn't have gone near the Stargate again, but when General O'Neill came, gave him the device that lit up in his hand and asked him to think about it, Ferretti decided that a one way ticket off Earth and away from the unmentionable ghost was the best idea anyone had ever had. The hardest part, if he was honest, had been to walk the hallways of the Cheyenne complex again and listen to the whispers.

"_Who is that?"_

"_One of the Atlantis people, I guess."_

"_No, I've seen him before."_

"_Nametag says Ferretti."_

"_Ferretti? He's a legend."_

"_What did he do?"_

"_He was part of the first team."_

"_He was SG-1?"_

"_No, before SG-1; Ferretti survived the first Abydos mission."_

"_I thought he became a Goa'uld host."_

"_No, that was Kowalski. Ferretti was the one who quit."_

It was all he could do not to say something to the two lieutenants, because he hadn't _quit_, he'd survived two missions that had taken the lives of so many others and no one should be asked to do more than that. Besides, he didn't want to get kicked off the Atlantis mission because he went crazy and beat up a couple of kids who didn't know the first thing about the Abydos missions or Kowalski.


End file.
